my dirty confession

So I have a confession to made. I'm not that smart, not that brave. Or maybe you've known that already too long. See, the problem is, I thought I was. Then proof over proof set in to knock the hell out of me. Who am I fooling? People can say that I'm a great writer, yet I haven't produced any single writing more than 100 pages. Nothing! Some people say they admire how bold I am. I though I was! But then I realized, I'm not even half of it. I tell my friends to 'stand up, speak out' while I only murmur syllables when people 'giving' advice on my baby treatment. Face it, be honest, I just don't have guts to tell them mind their own business. So what if my baby's nose is flat? He is cute as he is and I don't mind it! It functions damn well!

I'm shallow. I read mainstream books. I watch mainstream film. Well, not every one of them, since I don't fancy alien, zombie, glittering vampire and games. I fall for drama, romance - but not that Harlequin's style, FGS. I hate elaborate description in the text I'm translating or reading. It makes my head hurt. I hate repeating. I always thought once is enough, and I already know everything by heart.

Only now I learn, I've been shallow. And I don't like it. Then I started to read again. I started with A Thousand Splendid Suns, by Khaled Hosseini. Bought when I went to Singapore 4 years ago, read only once. Understandably how surprised I was finding that it was like the first time, even better! I tried to soak in the words, slowly, not  skimming, like I used to do. And I must say, I enjoyed it very much. When I had to put back the book into the shelf, it was bitter-sweet. And I hope to feel that again, the feeling of content, satisfied, but top of all, the feeling and the knowledge that I'm not as bright as I thought. I still need to read again. I still need somebody again. I still need God.

I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm nobody without Him.