I don't know why it's getting stronger recently.
Every night, you come crawling into my mind. Flipping open the memory, torturing me with the warm feeling I once had every time we were talking. Yet, every conversation, every sweet gestures of yours would be swept away once I recalled this sentence:
"No, there's nothing going on between us."
Do you remember? Do you remember that night, when the term of our our so-called "30-days of not talking with each other" thing came to an end, and we agreed to meet up to conclude what to do next?
Do you remember my question? "Do you think there is something between us?" To which you answered too quickly?
Do you know how high my hopes were that moment? Do you know I was asking the question, smiling in my heart, assuming with every faith I had, you were gonna answer with a "yes"?
I had hope, because even we had agreed to stop getting in touch for 30 days, you still looked for me, and we were like back to who we were before that agreement? Like, you were taking me home again, I was the last one you drove home again, and so on.
I had hope, because more than enough people encouraged me, saying that we were meant to be. They said that it was God's willing. And I trusted that.
I had hope, because at that moment, I couldn't seem to be with another man beside you. It seemed that you were my complement. We completed each other's sentences, remember? You often referred me as "the one who knew the first before anyone else." You refused to make our morning call one day, because you knew I was sick, and to call me at 5 a.m. so I could get up and read my Bible was not a wise call.
I had hope, because I thought you loved me back. And how stupid I was.
I still regret that I canceled my masseur just because you called me suddenly to accompany you for a quick shopping. I still rebuke myself for withdrawing from a translator's meeting with one of the greatest translators in Indonesia - Ibu Listiana Srisanti - just to meet up with you.
How stupid and short-minded I was. I thought being with you was everything. I thought you would treat me the same.
But what you actually did was only confusing me. You confused me with your words that somewhat didn't match your actions.
Even when you tried to push me away with your sarcastic statements, I still stood there. Even when you slowly pulled yourself away, I still hoped. Even when we stopped talking, even when I knew you were in love with someone - some girls actually - , I still held on.
Until slowly my heart grew tired and my hopes withered by time. I started to focus more on myself, my work, my ministries. You slowly disappeared from my mind. Then I met him.
Yet, honestly, up until now, when the night is quiet and he is sleeping soundly beside our baby, I still remember you now and then. Only, I have learned to diminish the raising hope. I've taught myself to remember how selfish you are. You only look for someone if you need them, right? Even for a girl you said you always loved, you wouldn't sacrifice a bit! I heard it from her, you see.
Still I don't understand, how those bad images of yours can't keep me from remembering you, with a little ache in my heart. It took me 10 years to realize, that I am still broken-hearted, ever since the first time I heard you say, "No, there's nothing going on between us."
And it hasn't been mending perfectly.
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