A bittersweet goodbye

Honestly, I'm not proud of how I end it. Not the way I imagined, not how I planned it to be. Although he accepts it quite smoothly, still, I'd prefer another way - a gentler way - should I be given another chance.

I'm talking about a wonderful, honorable journey of a mother; breastfeeding.

After gathering like a lot information through the Internet, about 3 years ago, I determined to breastfeed my baby. And I made it. Through ups and downs (namely, engorged breasts, nipple blisters to an underweight baby).

I tried to keep up with the WHO's recommendation, like no water and solid before the baby is 6 months-old, and keep breastfeeding until at least he is 2 years-old. And I did. More.

Ben already passed his second birthday, and he showed no signs of quitting breastfeeding. Yes, the frequency was already dropped. He only breastfed twice a day, before/during his nap and before/during his night sleep. It means, during the day, I had to quit watching my favourite series or my cooking to give him my breasts whenever he cried out. Repeat during the night. Meaning, I've lost quite of my sleeping hours. Well, it's not like that I really mind about it. I mean, even before he was born, I had already got little sleeping hours, just because I couldn't sleep or that I succumbed to Twitter or mobile game, xixixi.

What really exhausted me was, I felt like I didn't have freedom. Like no time for myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby to death, but honestly, I was tired.

I tried to talk him out of it. "Ben, you are a big boy now. Let's say bye-bye to nenen, yes?" He always responded with his big grin and said, "Okay!" Only to keep looking for nenen whenever he felt uncomfortable.

I tried wearing minyak tawon, minyak kayu putih, vinegar, to paracetamol on my breasts. No significant results.

We even made him stay at his Ah Ma's house for one night. What came? My breasts almost swollen and yes, we still breastfed the night after.

Until my sister talked and enlightened me. What I, we, lacked of, was consistency. We told him no more nenen, but he still can get it almost whenever he wanted it.

"You want to wait for him to wean? Well, most testimonies claim that they did wean, but no less than 3 years-old."

It haunted me. I don't want to breastfeed for that long, no matter how much I enjoyed it! Not to mention that I have target to quit breastfeeding the time we take vacation to Bangka this June. So, we decided this time was for real.

Once again, I wore that sacred minyak tawon. Only this time, I wore it almost every time he cried for nenen. Two days passed. Third. Fourth. And up to now, it's officially 9 days of the weaning. Well, yeah, there were times when I let my guard off and he/we enjoyed that most brief moment, before I let him go. It is heartbreaking, knowing that I was the one who decided the end of the journey.

But... I'm pretty happy with how it comes. He sleeps independently now, sometimes he will awake, only to cry a little then with a little pat-pat, he goes back to sleep. And yes, I have more time for myself :) Happy mom makes a happy child, yes?

Nevertheless, I had my lesson for my second, later, maybe. That I will wean in a smoother way.

Overall, still can't believe the journey has come to an end. I still missing the moment he curled to my breasts, feeling so close and so intimate :'(

But yes, we have to do this. And I still love him with the same love, maybe even more.

Thank you, God, most of all, for the chance to deliver my baby, to give the best nutrient to him, to experience being a mother, to enjoy this amazing journey.

Thank you, my dear husband, for never stop believing in me, no matter how novice it may be whenever I presented you theories and stuff :) I'm so proud of you, that even after 2  years, you still encourage your new-parents friends to breastfeed. You do remember what I said, don't you, love!

Thank you, @id_ayahasi, @tipsmenyusui, @droei.... you gave me and maybe hundreds of new-moms out there encouragement, support and love in a greater way that you can imagine of.

Thank you, my dear sister @deardevi for showing me the way to this heavenly experience.

And the last, but not the least, for sure, thank you my dear baby boy, Benedict. We've been great partners, right! Thank you for trusting me, for putting up with me, you are truly my inspiration. My feelings for you are indescribable. I love you to the moon and back. I'm sorry if ever this ending is quite abruptly for you :'( I love you, never ever doubt it. You will always be my baby, no matter what!

Can't do this without you all!